Day 2

2:53 PM

Today hasn't been bad. I've been productive for most of the day, calling clients and finalizing projects. I knew today was critical, so to keep my head in the game, I haven't checked my bank accounts to see the balance. I don't want to know the balance but I do know that I need to generate some revenue. Clients owe me money, so I've been collecting payments all day. I could never understand how people can waste money and go broke...until now.

The weekend is coming and I'm glad it's filled with planned activities. My ladies are calling me because they haven't seen me in a few weeks and I want to see them. One of them wants to see me today and she's tempting me with sweets. Dessert is a wicked temptation for me so that means she'll be seeing me later. I want to see them all because I miss them. They each have special qualities about them that I adore and not just sexually. I pray for mine and their forgiveness everyday. What concerns me is that I don't want to stop being involved with them but I know I need to. My prayers are sincere in the fact that I want to do better but I know in the end that I will sin again. Telling them I don't want to see them again is something I don't have the strength to do. Primarily because I know that I will call them back and ignite the flame again.

What's worse is that I don't have a reason to cheat. My marriage has been troubled for a long time. Over half of the time we've been married has been stressful. But now, we are in a very good place and I don't have any reason to stray. Yet I do...and I do it without thinking twice about it. It's almost as natural as breathing.

Hopefully, when I finish today's entry later this evening, I will have fought off the temptation to see Number 3.

John Smith

Day 1

12:15 pm

My day has started off all wrong. I'm in a borderline panic. One of my accounts is about to overdrawn. I'm such a fuck up, I can hardly stand myself. Today was supposed to start with optimism and hope...that's hardly the case.

I didn't start my day with a prayer or by reading the Bible. I need to go back to bed and start the day over. I'm also wondering if I set too many goals for myself. Seven seems like a lot right now.


12:00 am

I don't know what panic attacks feel like but I was in a state of panic for most of the day. My heart was racing all day, thumping through my chest. My thoughts were incoherent. I could focus on anything for longer than a few seconds. All of the fires I've started in my life are no longer controlled experiments. They are raging wildfires.

I did pray, I didn't waste any time, and I didn't smoke. I wasn't even close to accomplishing the rest of my goals. My affairs haven't been cut off, so I'm still cheating. I was distracted when playing with my children. I didn't budget my time to work out. I didn't eat anything healthy. Healthy fast food is flat out disgusting. Seven may be too many.

All I kept thinking yesterday was, " How can I be so stupid?" I actually thought about taking something to slow the day down for me. Something about that just sounded like a pathway to substance abuse, so I didn't act on the urge. I'm trying to become a better man, not devolve into something worse than I already am.

I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I've been there already and no one else is going to feel sorry for me. It's pointless. I've got to be a better leader in my home. My wife may sense that something is different. Some days I want to confess everything but I know that will end my life as I know. I'll lose my family and that is not an option for me.

Introduction

My name is John Smith and I live in Anywhere, USA. I am in my early thirties. I have a beautiful wife and three beautiful children. I own a small software company. I have a big house, big cars, and I have more material possessions than most. My family lives very comfortably and I am able to give them whatever they want. I do not attend church regularly but I am God fearing. I am not a saint but my spiritual compass works very well. I am well respected by my extended family, the business community, my church, and my peers. On the surface, it appears that I am living the American Dream.

It’s all bullshit.

The person that people see is real. I really am that person most of the time. The person that people do not see is a 180 degree opposite. I love my wife but I’ve had too many extra-marital encounters to remember, mostly with prostitutes. I’m starting to think it’s an addiction. The thriving business I once had is on the verge of going under. I’m losing all of my clients and staff and the bills are mounting. I’d quit if I thought it wouldn’t reflect poorly on me. My mortgage and car notes are paid on time every month but I’m overwhelmed by debt. All of my credit cards are at the spending limit and it’s becoming impossible to save any money. I pray to God for forgiveness everyday but my sins are mounting daily. I have repentance in my heart for some of them but not enough to stop committing them. Having the respect of others is great but if I had more self-respect, I wouldn’t have this alter ego.

My life was destined to be something great, something inspirational to everyone. Now, my life is spinning out of control and I don’t have a handle on anything. Mentally, I’ve been documenting this regression for about 4 years. I can even pinpoint the catalyst that triggered the fall.

About two years into my marriage, an old girlfriend called me at home. I don’t know she found my number. Nevertheless, answering the phone ignited a series of foolish mistakes, which bring me to where I am now.

Rock bottom IS approaching. I feel like I can’t catch my breath. My mind never rests from all of the worrying. Most days, I don’t want to face life. It’s affecting the way I interact with my family. I’m no longer able to hid the shame.

I have to take control of my life. And it has to start today.

Today, November 28, 2007, I begin putting John Smith back together. Over the next forty days, I have seven goals that I must achieve.

1. I will revive my relationship with God.

a. Without God, I can’t do anything. I haven’t forgotten that fact. However, I haven’t been acknowledging it, either. Starting today, I will read the Bible and pray every morning when I wake up and before I go to bed.

2. I will not cheat on my wife.

a. This is going to be hard. I have 3 mistresses, in addition to my regular stop at the massage parlor. One is young and she is smoking hot. She’s a lot of trouble but I haven’t had sex with her yet, so I put up with more than I should. The head is priceless, though. The second one is married and her husband doesn’t show her any affection. He ignores her. All I have to do is tell her something nice about herself and she’ll do anything I ask. The other is about 4 years older than I am. Her last boyfriend led her on for years. Now, she’s vulnerable. The sex is wonderful.

b. Re-directing the energy I use to please my mistresses onto my wife should have a great effect on marriage. My marriage is already really good to begin with. I really don’t have a reason to step outside of my house.

3. I will spend more time with my children.

a. I already spend a great deal of time with my kids but because my mind is so pre-occupied, I can’t say it’s quality time. My oldest can tell the difference.

4. I will begin working out.

a. Exercising is a great way for me to increase my self discipline. Everyday, no matter what, I will do something physical to make my body stronger.

5. I will stop smoking.

a. I smoke because I am weak. When I get frustrated, I smoke. When I need a break, I smoke. It‘s a lack of self-discipline.

6. I will eat right.

a. I have hypertension but I haven’t changed anything about the way I eat. Again, a lack of self-discipline.

7. I will not waste anytime.

a. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.

I have to do this. It’s a case of life and death.

John Smith