12:15 pm
My day has started off all wrong. I'm in a borderline panic. One of my accounts is about to overdrawn. I'm such a fuck up, I can hardly stand myself. Today was supposed to start with optimism and hope...that's hardly the case.
I didn't start my day with a prayer or by reading the Bible. I need to go back to bed and start the day over. I'm also wondering if I set too many goals for myself. Seven seems like a lot right now.
12:00 am
I don't know what panic attacks feel like but I was in a state of panic for most of the day. My heart was racing all day, thumping through my chest. My thoughts were incoherent. I could focus on anything for longer than a few seconds. All of the fires I've started in my life are no longer controlled experiments. They are raging wildfires.
I did pray, I didn't waste any time, and I didn't smoke. I wasn't even close to accomplishing the rest of my goals. My affairs haven't been cut off, so I'm still cheating. I was distracted when playing with my children. I didn't budget my time to work out. I didn't eat anything healthy. Healthy fast food is flat out disgusting. Seven may be too many.
All I kept thinking yesterday was, " How can I be so stupid?" I actually thought about taking something to slow the day down for me. Something about that just sounded like a pathway to substance abuse, so I didn't act on the urge. I'm trying to become a better man, not devolve into something worse than I already am.
I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I've been there already and no one else is going to feel sorry for me. It's pointless. I've got to be a better leader in my home. My wife may sense that something is different. Some days I want to confess everything but I know that will end my life as I know. I'll lose my family and that is not an option for me.
4 comments:
Hey, John, you've got a nice list of "improvements" to make. It's not easy to do all of them, but just take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Even if you can't do all 7 in one day, at least you've done some of them and that's progress. Creating new habits isn't easy and it takes time, so NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!! You're on the right path!!!!
Thank you for the encouraging words. It's more helpful than you know.
JS
well i think you should look at the bright side your alive thats more than most ppl they dont see a day past 15 and thats a year
John, it sounds like a panic attack to me and I can only pray things get better for you.
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