Day 1

12:15 pm

My day has started off all wrong. I'm in a borderline panic. One of my accounts is about to overdrawn. I'm such a fuck up, I can hardly stand myself. Today was supposed to start with optimism and hope...that's hardly the case.

I didn't start my day with a prayer or by reading the Bible. I need to go back to bed and start the day over. I'm also wondering if I set too many goals for myself. Seven seems like a lot right now.


12:00 am

I don't know what panic attacks feel like but I was in a state of panic for most of the day. My heart was racing all day, thumping through my chest. My thoughts were incoherent. I could focus on anything for longer than a few seconds. All of the fires I've started in my life are no longer controlled experiments. They are raging wildfires.

I did pray, I didn't waste any time, and I didn't smoke. I wasn't even close to accomplishing the rest of my goals. My affairs haven't been cut off, so I'm still cheating. I was distracted when playing with my children. I didn't budget my time to work out. I didn't eat anything healthy. Healthy fast food is flat out disgusting. Seven may be too many.

All I kept thinking yesterday was, " How can I be so stupid?" I actually thought about taking something to slow the day down for me. Something about that just sounded like a pathway to substance abuse, so I didn't act on the urge. I'm trying to become a better man, not devolve into something worse than I already am.

I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I've been there already and no one else is going to feel sorry for me. It's pointless. I've got to be a better leader in my home. My wife may sense that something is different. Some days I want to confess everything but I know that will end my life as I know. I'll lose my family and that is not an option for me.