Day 2

2:53 PM

Today hasn't been bad. I've been productive for most of the day, calling clients and finalizing projects. I knew today was critical, so to keep my head in the game, I haven't checked my bank accounts to see the balance. I don't want to know the balance but I do know that I need to generate some revenue. Clients owe me money, so I've been collecting payments all day. I could never understand how people can waste money and go broke...until now.

The weekend is coming and I'm glad it's filled with planned activities. My ladies are calling me because they haven't seen me in a few weeks and I want to see them. One of them wants to see me today and she's tempting me with sweets. Dessert is a wicked temptation for me so that means she'll be seeing me later. I want to see them all because I miss them. They each have special qualities about them that I adore and not just sexually. I pray for mine and their forgiveness everyday. What concerns me is that I don't want to stop being involved with them but I know I need to. My prayers are sincere in the fact that I want to do better but I know in the end that I will sin again. Telling them I don't want to see them again is something I don't have the strength to do. Primarily because I know that I will call them back and ignite the flame again.

What's worse is that I don't have a reason to cheat. My marriage has been troubled for a long time. Over half of the time we've been married has been stressful. But now, we are in a very good place and I don't have any reason to stray. Yet I do...and I do it without thinking twice about it. It's almost as natural as breathing.

Hopefully, when I finish today's entry later this evening, I will have fought off the temptation to see Number 3.

John Smith

Day 1

12:15 pm

My day has started off all wrong. I'm in a borderline panic. One of my accounts is about to overdrawn. I'm such a fuck up, I can hardly stand myself. Today was supposed to start with optimism and hope...that's hardly the case.

I didn't start my day with a prayer or by reading the Bible. I need to go back to bed and start the day over. I'm also wondering if I set too many goals for myself. Seven seems like a lot right now.


12:00 am

I don't know what panic attacks feel like but I was in a state of panic for most of the day. My heart was racing all day, thumping through my chest. My thoughts were incoherent. I could focus on anything for longer than a few seconds. All of the fires I've started in my life are no longer controlled experiments. They are raging wildfires.

I did pray, I didn't waste any time, and I didn't smoke. I wasn't even close to accomplishing the rest of my goals. My affairs haven't been cut off, so I'm still cheating. I was distracted when playing with my children. I didn't budget my time to work out. I didn't eat anything healthy. Healthy fast food is flat out disgusting. Seven may be too many.

All I kept thinking yesterday was, " How can I be so stupid?" I actually thought about taking something to slow the day down for me. Something about that just sounded like a pathway to substance abuse, so I didn't act on the urge. I'm trying to become a better man, not devolve into something worse than I already am.

I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I've been there already and no one else is going to feel sorry for me. It's pointless. I've got to be a better leader in my home. My wife may sense that something is different. Some days I want to confess everything but I know that will end my life as I know. I'll lose my family and that is not an option for me.